Why is it so hard to trust in rest? Why do we always believe that we are not doing enough and more must be the answer. Recently, we were talking to our oldest about how each person has specific strength within their mind and body. He asked what mine were, and I looked to my husband. His response was without delay- “multitasking”. This may be a man, women thing but I do find I can easily multitask, and I enjoy doing so. But as I was writing out my talking points on this post, it came to me that one of my most obvious strengths was, my ability to divide my attention to give everything only a portion instead of its full deserved percent? Is that really a skill? Let’s find rest even in the midst of chaos.
Multitasking
“You’ll probably surprise yourself with what you can accomplish—if you’re focused on one thing. You’ll probably frustrate yourself with what you fail to accomplish—if you’re doing 5 or 7 or 10 things. Nobody performs well when stretched in a half dozen directions.” -James Clear
I don’t see things the way I used to. I used to love a busy day, background noise of the TV, loud music, or a podcast in my ears at all times. Instead after spending a few years with my brain on fire by way of OCD- Now, I love silence.
Related: The Devil’s voice: OCD recovery
The time I am now able to spend without distracted and not be terrified of my own thoughts—this is symbolic to me of the drastic effects of recovery and how far I’ve come and moment I can’t take for granted any longer. The art of doing nothing.
Sometimes, removing things can be greater than any supplement or protocol you could create. The clutter, the noise, the overhead lights, the obligatory events… your environment makes a significant impact.
We have so many elements pulling at our attention all the time anyways. But being able to let go of “perfection” in a particular area you can actually work to be present. And that’s what really matters.
Chasing Perfection
Joanna Gaines reflects on her relationship to her “perfect living room” and her white couch.
“Before we moved into the farmhouse, I used to treat my living room the same way I imagine a museum curator might handle an exhibition of treasured artifacts. I longed for it to look perfect around the clock, so I spent many hours a day tidying up couch pillows and immediately picking up any messes my children made, sometimes while they were still making them.
One afternoon, in a state of exhaustion, I realized that something just wasn’t right. I looked around and saw a lot of “perfection” and thought, But where do my kids hang out? Why don’t they have anywhere to really play in this house?Suddenly, it hit me. In my nonstop efforts to make the house look good for a bunch of anonymous strangers, I had failed to create a space where my children could simply be kids.
Not one of us was represented in this space that was supposed to be central to us living together. On top of that, I had spent so much time cleaning up any trace of my kids that this room had become a place they didn’t even feel comfortable in.”
Through one of her moments of tidying up- she heard her family in another room having fun without her.
“I always thought that the “thriving” would come when everything was perfect, here’s what I’ve learned about perfection: it’s isolating.” Battling for a white couch wasn’t worth missing out on her life. Joanna Gaines, Homebody
Are we ignoring intention in pursuit of perfection?
“In a world that keeps telling us to try harder, just keep going, keep hustling, keep pretending we’re all fine-we’re left exhausted, overwhelmed and so numb to our lives.” -Aundi Kolber
Our life isn’t “out there” it’s right here right now. You currently are exactly where got intended and designed for you to be.
“For just one second, Look at your life and see how perfect it is. Stop looking for the next secret door that is going to lead you to your real life. Stop waiting. This is it: there’s nothing else. It’s here, and you’d better decide to enjoy it or you’re going to be miserable wherever you go, for the rest of your life, forever.”- Lev Grossman, The Magicians
Related: How to eliminate decision fatigue
Outrageous Expectations
Theres so much to do, appointments to make, friends to check in on, house to clean, kids to call or feed. Working with overwhelmed women I have to often ask if they’re setting the bar too high.
Are your expectations and to-do lists unrealistic leaving you unnecessarily stressed?
Our bodies process stress cumulatively.
That means, if you’re already at your max and not removing stressors out- you will be consistently over the top and your body with start spouting out new symptoms. Stressors can be physical, emotional, and environmental. And all of these stack on top of each other.
- The poor nights sleep
- The unstable blood sugar
- The mess on the floor
- The headache
- The loud TV
- The too booked up calendar
Each person has a different amount of stress they can process. Currently, it’s normal to be “stressed out”, “burned out” always right at the breaking point. Everyone is “busy”. Stress drains the body of resources – it’s nutritionally depleating and brings more fatigue which creates more stress and there we go again.
I’ll share something one of my clients said,
“This isn’t who I really am.” she said. I found it so deeply relatable. She was referring to the idea of her children often seeing her worst sides. Recognizing that she herself was very present in her body, but under the weight of stress and anxiety- her children weren’t witnessing it- the REAL her.
Mom guilt is constantly keeping women from doing what they need.
Sometimes doing what is best for yourself, may be what is best for everyone else.
- The 10 minute walk
- The too long + too hot of a shower
- The morning routine
- The window shopping
- The best friend on the phone
Restoring those minutes of peace to yourself to uncover that real you. So your family can hear you laughing again, can see you smiling.
Related: The burn out recovery project
Eliminating Hurry
John Mark Comer said “Love joy and peace are at the heart of all Jesus is trying to grow in the soil of your life. All 3 of these are incompatible with hurry. All of my worst moments as a father, a husband, and a pastor- even as a human being are when I’m in a hurry- late for an appointment, behind on an unrealistic to do list, trying to cram too much into my day. I ooze with anger, tension, a critical nagging, – the antithesis of love. If you don’t believe me, next time you’re trying to get your…(family)…out the door, and you’re running late […] Just pay attention to how you relate to them. Does it look and feel like love? Or is it far more in the vein of agitation, anger, a biting comment-, a rough glare? Hurry and love are oil and water: they simply do not mix.”
Oliver Burkeman: “The day will never arrive when you finally have everything under control-when the flood of emails has been contained; when your to-do lists have stopped getting longer; when you’re meeting all your obligations at work and in your home life; when nobody’s angry with you for missing a deadline or dropping the ball, and when the fully optimized person you’ve become can turn, at long last, to the things life is really supposed to be about. Let’s start by admitting defeat: none of this is ever going to happen. But you know what? That’s excellent news.”
Stop believing the lie that once you catch up, you can finally slow down. It’s never going to happen. You have to decide to slow down even when you can’t, when you don’t want to. It’s a discipline. What needs to come off of the to do list?
You’r human ability will always fall short of your own imagination of what you’re able to do and get done. Can you release your grip on what you’re trying to do- everything you’re trying to manage and succeed in?
“The more firmly you believe it ought to be possible to find time for everything, the less pressure you’ll feel to ask whether any given activity is the best use for a portion of your time.” Oliver Burkeman
“It’s been said that margin is ‘the space between our load and our limits’ For many of us there is NO space between our loads and limits. We’re not at 80% with room to breathe. We stay at 100% all the time. Where is our Silence and solitude that Jesus modeled for us? “ John Mark Comer
Leaving Space
Are we allowing margins in our life? Are we leaving room in our day for the sick dog? The neighbor that stops by to chat? The board game your daughter keeps asking to play? Things are going to go wrong, your friends and your family will require parts of you that you didn’t plan for.
Jesus was sure to inject margin within his life
In the Bible we see Jesus retreated to be alone regularly. Sleeping in, when the disciples had to wake him up. He recognized this importance. This gave him the ability to be fiercely present in a way that none of us are able to achieve.
Pursuing Less
Thomas Aquinas was asked what would satisfy our desire? What would it take to FEEL satisfied? His answer: “Everything. We would have to experience everything and everybody and be experienced by everything and everybody to feel satisfied.”
Theres that drive to do everything and be everything.
“The aim of life is appreciation. There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.”-G. K. Chesterton
What if more stuff doesn’t equal more happiness?
What if it means more stress, more hours at work instead of home, more debt, more hurry, more stolen time. More time organizing, maintaining and updating items you don’t even need. Much less peace.
No matter your income, or value of your assets everyone believes with just one more thing, they’ll finally feel content.
When you finally keep up with the Jones- you just find new Jones to follow.
We end up with more of everything except happiness
There is never a point when out accumulation of items or experiences is perfected- unless we decide that it is complete—- even without that next thing.
Admit defeat. You’ve lost. We’ve all lost.
“And what does it matter if we live up to their expectations? It drains our souls and leaves us weary with only fragments of ourselves left over to give to those we really love.” Shauna Nyquist, Present Over Perfect
Restoration
The average American is on social media for 705 hours each year.
TV is 2737.5
What could happen to us if these 1000s hours were collectively spent to simply pray, To learn, to read, to play a board game with your child and the actual presence of your current life that God has given you?
Where you are spending your time and money shows your priorities. They don’t lie.
There’s an old saying that says, “ What you’re doing speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying”.
Distractions
Joshua Becker speaks of minimalism and describes it as, “The intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from them.”
The promotion of what we most value- the removal of everything else
With all of this massive distraction, addiction, a rapid pace of life- what is it doing to our lives- to our purpose?
Is your purpose to suck down 50g HFCS multiple times a day? Or to need a pot of coffee just to function in the morning, and chase it with a bottle of wine at night just trying to wind down? To drive 10 miles over the speed limit everywhere you go? To check your apple watch at dinner with a friend? – I hate that!
Does this actually seem like the life we were intended to live and be use in?
I know you’re trying, and I know it’s not easy.
Partial attention is our new normal. Can anyone do their absolute best with partial attention?
Would you have your child do their homework in front of the tv? Or at a birthday party?
What we currently have is a world of people distracted from a distraction, by a distraction.
If you think this doesn’t apply to you- prove it,
Turn off your phone for 24 straight hours.
Are we leaving time for God to speak to us? Is there room for us to hear him?
Retreat
Have any of you taken time to only sit in silence and listen. How peaceful is that experience. Intentionally doing nothing but listening.
Jerry Seinfeld has a practice for writing jokes. He will lock himself in a room and the rule is, he doesn’t have to write- but he can’t do anything else for the hour.
But what if we locked ourselves from distraction for 1 hour. What could we accomplish by just allowing ourselves time to hear ourselves think?
But the devil is in the distractions.
“He will lead you to a sunless place and leave you there. he seeks to convince you this world has no window, no possibility of light. exaggerated, overstated, inflated, irrational thoughts are the devil’s specialty”
But this isn’t our purpose.
Can we be used to our full potential greater if we just stop trying to hard? If we listened to our bodies and slowed down?
If we paid attention to the quality of our food and chose whole nourishing foods rather than a zap fried poptart and an iced Dunkin? Are your food choices nourishing your body and soul to be the best version of yourself?
Stop believing the lie that your efforts are not enough. That our constant juggling of all the expectations is the way it’s intended to be. That if we sit down, shut up, and find rest and contentment we are not enough. Your value is not seen by what you can accomplish. Stop trying so hard.
“The work of paying compassionate attention is, in a sense, learning to steward for ourselves what God already believes about us—that we’re valuable and loved.”- Aundi Kolber, Try Softer
I quoted a lot of great books in this post. I’d encourage you to give them a try if you desire to pursue a more simple, peaceful way of life.
Aundi Kolber, Try Softer A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode–and into a Life of Connection and Joy
Joshua Becker, The More of Less Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own
Shauna Nyquist, Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living
Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals
John Mark Comer, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: How to Stay Emotionally Healthy and Spiritually Alive in the Chaos of the ModernWorld
Joanna Gaines, Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces You Never Want to Leave
James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones
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